Our world is so desperate for trust. We live at a time where most of us put people in boxes far too quickly - making the assumption that you are either my enemy or my friend, and those are the only two options. But, what if this is a fatal flaw in our thinking? What if there is a third option?
Face the reality
Our fight or flight responses are commonly referred to reactions to fear. They are responses in us that cause us to act automatically as opposed to intentionally. They are defaults, not choices. When our amygdala perceives a threat, it sends signals to other parts of the brain for the specific purpose of creating action and movement in the body. Two of the most common responses are fight or flight - to leave or to stand our ground. Without further training, our brains will alert our bodies to take action - to do something.
Unfortunately, we don’t have to be in a moment of intense fear to experience this dichotomization of possible reactions. Even in the workplace, the simple assumption of two polar options is troubling. While our experiences at work aren’t life threatening on a daily basis, if we are honest with ourselves, fear is fully operating on most days. We fear having a tough conversation with our boss. We fear being laid off. We fear that people don’t trust us, and we fear that others around us aren’t trustworthy.
Before we can ever get to the point of evaluating our options in a really intense fear- based moment, we have to face the reality that there is something else going on. In most cases we are first evaluating whether the person we are facing is a friend or a foe - a person we can trust or someone we can’t. If they are a foe, we will either respond from a competitive mindset that we must win and they must lose, or from a defensive posture of protecting ourselves and hiding - to fight or to take flight and run from the interactions with this person.
If they are a friend, our assumption is that they are a person we already know. Someone kindred. Someone worthy of our kindness because we know them. We trust them. We can feel safe with them. We can work with them. We can be honest with them, and they will do the same.
What if there's a third option?
But what if there is a third option? What if most of our interactions gone awry at work or in life have little to do with people being friends or foes, but simply people we don’t know? People we don’t know yet well enough to call them a friend or a foe. If most of our interactions are like that, then what does it mean for trust? The challenge with most people is that we simply don’t know them very well. When we don’t know them very well, our relationship to them is built on a very slippery slope that can either level out and provide more security, or it can slip away quickly. This is precisely why trust breaks down in many work environments. People we don’t know (unlike a friend or foe), are on a very thin foundation with us. When we don’t know someone, under pressure, our brains will move toward fear and hiding. Forced to move in the dark, making assumptions in the shadows. And, when the most common interactions like that begin to escalate, we will default to one of those two possible options. Fight or flight. Either response is a response based on thousands of assumptions we make when we aren’t working at telling the truth with each other - and uncovering the reality of the thinking and feelings behind the responses we see.
We are builders together
As teams in organizations, we are builders together, and we were not meant to build anything in the dark. We were meant to build in the light, and in healthy relationship to one another. And, to build well, we must trust each other. We must build in the light and not in the invisible places of our brokenness. Our brokenness causes us to hide, to talk behind the backs of others, to see others as the enemy to run from, to fight, or to hide from. When left to ourselves, we will default to darkness, to making assumptions in the shadows, or to the feelings that have the power to take us over. As I have said before, we are all builders - placed at the foot of a wall under construction.
Most of us are a part of missional businesses that are doing something important in the world. And, in almost every case, we were not placed at the foot of that wall alone. We were placed there together. In fact, when we find ourselves working in an organization, that is our reality. We were placed at the foot of a wall together - to build together.
And, at the foot of that wall is something else. A foundation that will change everything...that will allow us to not only build, but to build something that matters, and something that is sustainable.
To build an organization, we must trust each other. And, to trust each other, we must know each other. And, to know each other, we must know ourselves. We not only move into a fight or flight response to others, we go there in ourselves. We fail to know who we are and how we see our world and the impact of our experiences. If we don’t know ourselves and take a big step to do that, how can we ever be trusted?
At the foot of that wall we are building together is a garden - the garden of trust. Like the grass seeds in my yard I planted weeks ago that are still working hard and slowly to establish roots that will last, we must tend to trust and to relationships. To know each other and to know ourselves. We are builders and we are gardeners. We move massive actual stones in place to build our organizations, and we must work at the relationships. The builder in us must get strong and courageous and full of conviction and clarity, and make prophetic statements with urgency. Additionally, the gardener in us must be vulnerable and open to weakness, full of patience, and care and compassion. We must be clear and kind at the same time.
That is the oldest formula in the world for leading well. We are builders and we are gardeners. Building a wall and tending a garden. We must be both. It is as old as time. It is at the foundations of 100 years of the study of leaders, and it is rooted in the Genesis of humanity.
Friend or for or a person I don't know
Friend or foe, or a person I don’t know. We must remain open to that third option because, especially at work, most of our relationships are with people we don’t know well, yet. If trust is the bridge between the building and the gardening, what do we know about it? We know that trust is your belief in my integrity, my ability, my reliability, and my strength, and your belief that I will tell you the truth when any of those things are lacking. To trust a person is to know a person, and to know a person is to understand how each of these factors are functioning inside of them. It is to avoid the default to see them as someone to fight or to hide from, but as someone we could know.
The garden of trust is too fragile and full of life to use harsh defaults to cultivate it. It must be tended to and tended to systematically while never losing sight of the individual.
spent my entire adult career building a way for us to more intentionally know ourselves and begin to know each other at work. It is a way for us to take the best psychology in the world based on the oldest story in the world, and build a way to develop leaders in our organizations, build whole and sustaining trust, and change the paradigm in our universities, our homes, our government, our businesses, and in our not-for-profits. I always wanted to solve the problem, and not simply put a bandaid on it.
That is why I built the WiLD Trust Platform, and why WiLD Leaders is committed to not only understanding the realities of building whole and sustaining trust, but also the actions we can take to make a difference and to know each other.
And, here is the great thing about work. In most cases, at the very least, we are expected to learn something. Universities are the same way. They have a curriculum, an understanding within every student that on some level they are expected to grow, to innovate and to change.
And, what is also amazing is that getting to know ourselves, to develop ourselves as leaders starts with such basic things. In that way, knowing a person at work or in a classroom - at least we have an expectation of learning. If trust is the goal, and knowing ourselves and knowing each other are the pathways to it, let’s focus our attention there. That attention starts with an acceptance of the third option. We are not limited to seeing others as either friends or foes, but simply as people we don’t really know - yet.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Rob McKenna Founder + CEO of WiLD Leaders
This generation’s leading mind in Whole Leader Development. He's an Industrial- Organizational Psychologist, Author, Speaker, and Founder of WiLD Leaders Inc. and creator of the WiLD Trust Platform.
Named one of the top 30 I-O Psychologists alive today, Dr. McKenna is passionate about developing leaders and about transforming the way we see the people in our organizations.
As he will tell you, we have the tools at our fingertips to invest in our people in ways that are meaningful to them and will get the results we need. Thirty years of research has taught us much how people learn and grow on the job. We have what it takes to create rich learning environments for the people we lead, and all we have to do is begin to act on what we know.
Dr. McKenna brings a combination of approachability, authenticity, expert knowledge, and humor to his talks. Whether you are interested in character development, dealing with conflict, creating engaging learning cultures, or developing the next generation of leaders,
Use the WiLD Trust Platform to increase trust in your organization.
www.wildleaders.org | contact@wildleaders.org